A Brief Look Into an Elite Life

My roommates and I live in Apartment 9. During the first week of this, the winter semester in the year of our Lord, 2009, we came to the mutual agreement that "Cloud 9" was a more suitable title, as it more adequately alludes to the eliteness of our nonexistent, yet semi-existent club. Without going into a stream of incoherent scientific mumbo jumbo, "Cloud 9" is another way of identifying the cumulonimbus cloud, which takes its atmospheric position above the rest; therefore, when a person claims they are on Cloud 9, they are expressing the feeling of being on top of the world.

An extensive interview process is required of all potential members before admittance to Cloud 9 is allowed, enabling the self-proclaimed presidency (which varies on any given day according to who is available and/or feeling authoritative) to delve into the psyche of all applicants and examine their potential in terms of sophistication and respectability. We take matters such as appearance, dignity, and propriety very seriously at Cloud 9, and failure to live up to either specified or unspecified standards may result in the immediate and unlamented (from the presidency's perspective) termination of one's membership. Interviews may be conducted by one or more members of the Cloud 9 presidency and may include questions concerning the applicant's background, character, and any other issue the presidency deems pertinent. Excessive hesitation or stuttering in one's responses may disqualify the applicant.

In the unlikely incident in which a person successfully passes the interview stage, a thirty-day trial period is then extended. Immediate supervision of such persons by a member of the Cloud 9 presidency is required at all times during the 30 days. Trial members must submit a 500-word essay no later than the 10th day of their trial period, explaining in detail their unique reasons for seeking a place in the prestigious Cloud 9 family. The presidency will then review the essay and determine if the applicant should complete the remainder of the trial period or whether immediate termination of said period is necessary. Also during these first 10 days, trial members are expected to present the club with various baked goods on no less than 5 occasions. More is encouraged, but Cloud 9 cannot guarantee the increased likelihood of acceptance through these means.

On days 11-20 of the trial period, the applicant should keep Cloud 9 premises presentable at all times. Laundry of the presidency must be hand washed, hang dried, starched, and pressed; dishes must also be hand washed and organized within their appropriate cupboards; rooms must be freed from all debris and clutter, floors swept or vacuumed, and all hard surfaces polished. Any other tasks requested of the applicant are to be completed on demand, including, but not limited to meal preparation, homework tutelage, and musical entertainment.

Days 21-30 will consist of involvement in official Cloud 9 meetings where the applicant will take minutes and keep the presidency's glasses filled with freshly squeezed orange juice. On completion of these last 10 days, the applicant will present an elaborate power point presentation describing both his or her experience during the trial period and an original plan for Cloud 9 funding. This plan must have been extensively tested, guaranteeing a positive effect within Cloud 9 usage. In the case of acceptance, the applicant will be in charge of carrying out the described plan. Failure to significantly increase Cloud 9 profits may result in termination of membership.

Once membership into the elite Cloud 9 is achieved, the new member is welcome on Cloud 9 premises at anytime within the bounds of curfew (this excludes those who live at or have exclusive permission to stay for a predetermined length of time at Cloud 9. These are welcome regardless of the hour). It is a member's own responsibility to keep up to date with exclusive Cloud 9 activities as the presidency will be preoccupied with more urgent business, which may or may not involve the club. Continuation of random acts of kindness directed toward the presidency is encouraged.

(This statement is subject to change without notice, and a person's membership may be terminated at anytime with or without explanation, in which case reapplication will be necessary to continue membership.)

Unfortunately, the semester ends in a few weeks, leaving two vacancies in the Cloud 9 presidency. Presidency positions are only available to females, and she should consider herself very fortunate if she is able to obtain one of these positions. Those who are interested must also submit an application to Greenbrier Apartments. Keep in mind that any replacement presidency member has large shoes to fill, and an applicant must be willing to live up the elite Cloud 9 standards as a beacon of all things supreme.

Now that you are aware of what it takes to be a member of Cloud 9, here is a short video demonstrating some of the activities you will most likely be involved in once accepted. Note: this is not a reenactment.